August 19, 2008
06:31 pm
Just wanted to stop by for a few minutes to ask all of you to keep Tim and I in your thoughts. It seems that our relationship is coming to an end. It’s by no fault of his, I can promise you. There have been more tears and more moments of pleading between the two of us these last few days than I ever thought possible. Along with that is a lot of love and respect. This is by far the most difficult break-up I’ve ever been through. To me, it makes perfect sense because I want him to be happy and not have to sacrifice, compromise his dreams, or have to wait for me to be able to trust and believe. For him, he simply wants to love me no matter what hand we’re dealt or how long it takes for me to believe that he’s not walking away. I am frustrated that I can’t find the words to make him understand exactly what I’m feeling and he’s frustrated because he can’t find the words that will work to convince me that he’s not going anywhere and loves me. He promised me he’d be happy just making me happy until the day we die and I want him to be happy more than he knows. I’m convinced that I’m not capable of being the one to make him happy. I’m dealing with too much baggage and apparently still mentally worked over and wrung out from the last year. I’m having a tough time being able to find the strength to put myself out there again and be vulnerable. I’ve been through this moment… the one where I am told I’ll never be alone, I’m loved, a real man would stay, and that somebody wants to be the one growing old with me…. I’ve been through it before and I’ve been promised all of it before. In the end I am left alone. I’m still left with the wedding dress from the last time I believed somebody who said that. (Remind me to get rid of that fucking thing….) Everyone I have ever loved has walked away and I’ve got nothing left for anyone to take. I’m hanging on by a thread as it is and everything I have left in me is being used to keep myself alive. I mean that more literally than I’ve admitted to anyone.
Neither one of us knows what to say to each other aside from “I love you” which right now has to be all there is I guess. It’s really tough to go through something like this right now because when you have somthing going on in your life which pulls you apart, you turn to your best friend for support and for help to try and keep it all together. I’m trying to push my best friend away to save him from getting hurt and he’s trying to pull his best friend closer. There isn’t a right answer and I’m not sure where we’re headed. I don’t have any faith left to believe that it’s going to work out for the best or that this is how it’s meant to be. I don’t think that everything happens for a reason. I think somebody made that up to get somebody else to stop bitching.
Anyway, keep us in your thoughts while we go through this, especially Tim. He’s given up a lot for me and I’d go through a lifetime of cancer, chemo, and all that comes with it if it meant that he’ll be ok. I will always love him immeasurably and forever, no matter what.
