July 9, 2008
04:20 am
I can’t sleep. As much as I’d like to just crawl into bed and drift off, I just can’t. A while ago, I was looking at some pictures of myself on MySpace. As you know, I love taking pictures and I have a lot of pictures of myself. The reason for that I’ll explain another time. I was looking at these pictures and seeing how much I’ve changed in the last year. I tried to pinpoint when I might have gotten sick. There are moments where I look so tired and think maybe that’s when. But other days I look like I’m having a good day. And since I have some pictures within the last year that make me look like I’m having a rough day for an entirely different reason than cancer… I can’t pinpoint it.
I made the mistake of looking at my hair. It’s grown a lot and even though a lot of it got cut off during the assault last year and hacked in the back, I had more layers put in and it has grown back really well and really fast. I started looking at my face and I suddenly saw myself without hair. I saw myself completely bald and without eyebrows. I saw myself in the middle of chemo.
I suddenly felt sick and started to cry. I don’t know why I put myself through this. I don’t even know that I’m going to have chemo and I’m already worried about it and how I’ll look. I seriously think that all this waiting to find out how bad this is and what the treatment will be is making me a nervous wreck. I certainly don’t like what cancer is doing to me physically, but I don’t like what it’s doing to me emotionally either.
It’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m wide awake, sick to my stomach, and trying to stay strong.
