July 7, 2008
02:54 am
I can’t sleep. It’s so warm and humid right now and I just can’t get comfortable. I’m a bit sleepy but when I lay down, my mind just races at a fantastic speed. I wonder if part of the problem is that I’ve started to sleep when I’m tired, no matter what time of the day it might be. I’m tired more often than I was a few weeks ago so I make a point to take a nap when I need one.
I’ve also had to start eating differently. For some reason, my body has suddenly developed a love/hate relationship with food. I’m sure it’s because of the stress. It definitely does not like red meat or anything greasy. I can eat small amounts of chicken and fish, but I’ve mainly been eating rice and pasta dishes. Cereal and those Carnation Instant Breakfast drinks have helped me through the last few days. I wonder if this is what it’ll be like if I have chemo….
I have my hair in two pigtails right now, one on either side of my head. My hair is so long that it’s still half-way down my back. I keep thinking about what it would be like to lose my hair. I know I shouldn’t dwell on things like that, but I can’t help it. It’s random things that pop into my head and I think about it. I was in the shower today and I was thinking about this really cute dress I saw in a magazine. It suddenly hit me that if I have to have a mastectomy, I probably wouldn’t be able to wear it because my scars would show and it certainly wouldn’t fit right. I never realized how vain I was until now.
Don’t get me wrong… I dwell on the big stuff just as much. I worry that as I’m waiting for these tests to be done and the results to return, this cancer is spreading. I worry that I’ll lose both my breasts and have to have a hysterectomy. I worry that an inability to have biological children would cause Tim to reconsider our relationship. I worry that Tim’s going to get here and either hate it here, or things are going to be really rough and it’s just going to be too much to ask him to go through. I worry that when the surgeon does the surgery, he’ll find that it has spread into my lymph nodes. I’m worried that my anger and recent lack of faith won’t just be a temporary thing. I worry that after all of this is done, I’ll have lost my battle.
I have plenty of time to be negative and worry. And yet I have plenty of people who love me and who do their best to reassure me. I had a friend tell me tonight, “I won’t pretend to know what this is like for you or that I understand what you’re going through. All I can do is hug you, tell you I love you, and be here for you any way that you need me to.” I guess I just need to find a way for that to be enough for right now.
