July 8, 2008
03:55 pm
I had my MRI today. This was done to determine if there are any other tumors hiding somewhere that we don’t know about. The actual MRI went ok, although I have to admit I now don’t like needles. I’ve never had problems with needles before, but today kinda grossed me out. I mean, I’ve never been thinking, “YAY! NEEDLES!” but I’ve never had a problem with them. They injected dye into me through an IV so they could figure outo what was going on a little better. The grossest part was that my arms had to be above my head the entire time I was in the MRI machine. I was face-down so my arm where the IV was got placed next to my ear and I could hear the dye going through the IV the entire time, even though the machine was loud. And did I mention uncomfortable? I’ve had MRI’s before so I expected the loud part but being on my stomach with my arms above me made it really difficult to stay still. They kept telling me not to breathe so deeply but I couldn’t help it. The way I try not to freak out and stay relaxed is with meditation and what I call “Square Breathing”. It’s where I inhale for 4 seconds, hold my breath for 4 seconds, exhale slowly for 4 seconds, then hold my breath for 4 seconds. I keep repeating that and in my head I might repeat a phrase or word. That little trick has helped me through many an axiety attack. Anyway, I couldn’t do that and had to go with shallow breathing, which I hate. Meanwhile, the machine is so loud that you have to wear earplugs, and I hate having things stuck in my ears. Then, it vibrates your whole body. So here I am trying to stay still through all of this and trying not to breathe, and trying not to move. It made it difficult to stay calm and focused, but thankfully I had plenty of good thoughts to focus on. Tim and I had a great talk last night and I thought about that for a while. Then I thought about all the love and support everyone is sending me through their prayers and thoughts. I imagined that each thought was a beam of light and as they all reached me, they formed this shield of light around me and surrounding me with peace and love. I know, it sounds very new-agey but it really helped. I finally relaxed for the last set of images and probably could have fallen asleep if it weren’t for the noise.
So… what next? Well, I have an appointment with the oncologist a week from today. At that point, the genetic tests will be in and the MRI results will be in. She and I will go over everything and I will know at that point what kind of treatment and surgery I will have. This waiting and not knowing has been so frustrating but I know that everyone is doing what they can as fast as they can. And I know I’m not the only person in the world to be diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment, so I’m ok with being slightly patient.
After I meet with the oncologist on Tuesday, I will make an appointment with the surgeon and we’ll go over everything and schedule the surgery. The surgery doesn’t scare me. It’s what happens after the surgery that I’m worried about. But I’m going to do my best to not worry about that or think the worst. And no matter what I have to face or what I will have to go through, I know that I’m not going to have to go through it alone. Even in this battle with cancer, I am blessed.
