Angry

July 3, 2008

09:20 am
I woke up angry today. I had been having this great dream and when I woke up, I woke up to cancer. Then I got angry that nobody really seems to understand or be willing to let me be as scared as I am. This is serious stuff. I might lose both my breasts, I might not be able to have children, and I might die. I might die!

I know, I know…. My prognosis is good. But damnit, I have cancer. This isn’t some 24-hour flu or the common cold. I’m going to come out of this scarred, without my hair, and tired. This makes me angry.

I believe in karma. Or… I used to. I’ve been through 2 rapes and now I’m facing breast cancer. What exactly did I do to deserve this? People keep telling me that cancer isn’t something that is done to you, but it sure feels like it. I keep thinking, “Ok… so being raped didn’t kill me…. Is this some sort of test to see just how immortal I am?” I don’t get it. When the rape trial was done and the monster who assaulted me went to prison, I thought that was it. I thought it was my time to relax and just live happily ever after. This just doesn’t seem fair and I am angry. I know that nobody ever said that life would be fair but I feel like somebody or something has a personal vendetta against me.

I’m hoping this mood passes. I don’t like being angry and negative.

I have cancer.

June 29, 2008 05:59 am When I was first diagnosed, I spent the first few hours being very angry and scared. I had a conversation with God, asking a lot of questions and letting Him know that I was not amused. I’ve been through a lot the last few years and it suddenly seemed like somebody, or something, had it out for me. If everything happens for a reason, what is the reason for all the things I’ve been through? If I’m supposed to be learning from this… what exactly am I going to learn? When you’re curled up in the fetal position on your bed, and you’re begging God to give you answers and get you through this, it suddenly becomes clear who you are. There is not a more honest moment than when you are pleading for your life. You can only be truthful and vulnerable. This is why I have decided to share this journey and battle with you. I’ve already devoted a portion of my life to ministry and helping others. For some reason, I have been called to this life and this path. And now… I have been called to share this experience with you. My life has been about finding my passion and my purpose. Right now, my passion and my purpose is to fight cancer. I will share as much as I can and I’ll do it in my time and with my own words. I will be as honest and graphic as I can so that you have some sort of an idea of what I’m going through. I warn you of this now because I don’t think it’s fair to sugar-coat cancer. I’m very scared. I’m scared not only to go through whatever I must face in the coming months… or years. I’m also afraid to share this with you. I’m a fairly private person and this… this experience and me writing about it… is forcing me to open up more than I’m used to. You’ll see exactly what goes through my mind and how I’m choosing to deal with things. I’m going to try to not focus on grammatical errors or sentence structure. Some of this might just end up being free-flowing thoughts on a page. Be prepared for me to swear a lot or to lean upon my faith to help me understand or cope with a situation. This is me… take it or leave it. I realize that there is a chance that complete strangers will read this, even though I prefer that not be the case. If you’ve come here because somebody has shared the link to my page with you, please drop me a line. I hate to admit it, but this will be my time to ask questions, be patient, ask for help, allow for whatever is meant to come my way, and to find a way to be grateful for this experience. I am letting go of everything and putting it into God’s hands. With love and gratitude to all of you in advance, Tara