Angry

July 3, 2008

09:20 am
I woke up angry today. I had been having this great dream and when I woke up, I woke up to cancer. Then I got angry that nobody really seems to understand or be willing to let me be as scared as I am. This is serious stuff. I might lose both my breasts, I might not be able to have children, and I might die. I might die!

I know, I know…. My prognosis is good. But damnit, I have cancer. This isn’t some 24-hour flu or the common cold. I’m going to come out of this scarred, without my hair, and tired. This makes me angry.

I believe in karma. Or… I used to. I’ve been through 2 rapes and now I’m facing breast cancer. What exactly did I do to deserve this? People keep telling me that cancer isn’t something that is done to you, but it sure feels like it. I keep thinking, “Ok… so being raped didn’t kill me…. Is this some sort of test to see just how immortal I am?” I don’t get it. When the rape trial was done and the monster who assaulted me went to prison, I thought that was it. I thought it was my time to relax and just live happily ever after. This just doesn’t seem fair and I am angry. I know that nobody ever said that life would be fair but I feel like somebody or something has a personal vendetta against me.

I’m hoping this mood passes. I don’t like being angry and negative.

Oncologist

July 2, 2008

05:43 pm
I went to the oncologist today. Oncologist. That word makes it seem so real. I didn’t doubt that it was happening before now, but to be face to face with a person whose job is to cure your cancer can be overwhelming. My oncologist seems to be on the ball. She has a good personality and made me feel a little more at ease, and yet I don’t feel like she’s going to hide anything from me either. If there is anyone you want to trust, it’s your oncologist.

We went over what had already taken place along the course of my diagnosis. She explained the pathology report again, just so it was clear for both of us. Then we had a discussion regarding the BRCA genetic testing and what the possible results of that test would indicate.

The next step is for me to have an MRI. This will show in more detail what changes are taking place in the breast tissue, along with showing if any other tumors are developing or are hiding elsewhere. Once the genetic tests and the MRI results come back, we will sit down and decide the course of treatment for my cancer.

She has already indicated that I should be on Tamoxifen for at least five years following my surgery. I’ll write another blog about this later on, as I’m still mulling over the consequences of that drug in my head.

Once we have determined the best way to treat my cancer, my surgeon will talk with the oncologist and we’ll get everything set up. I still don’t know whether I will be having a lumpectomy or mastectomy or double mastectomy and/or hysterectomy. I’m doing my best to not dwell on that too much at this point because it’s just too heartbreaking.

Tim will be flying in before the surgery and we’ll have a few days to spend together before I’m forced to be lazy. He does his best to cheer me up and reassure me that everything will be ok. Sometimes I wonder what is going through his head. If he’s scared or worried, he hasn’t let on. I’m grateful for him more than I can put into words.

I think the hardest part is that everyone is either trying to cheer me up, make jokes, or they just choose to avoid me entirely. I think this will be more difficult to go through than it was to go through being raped.

I’m tired a lot. I am sleeping more than I normally would and I don’t know if it’s because I’m trying to do a lot more while I can and I’m wearing myself out… or if it’s because my body is working hard to fight against this cancer on its own and it’s getting fatigued. I woke up this morning, stayed awake for two hours, then needed a nap. I find it difficult to run my usual full route, as well. I went running the other day and had to walk part of the way home. I cried as I walked because I’m going to miss running. I’ll keep running as long as possible and I’ll shorten my route if I have to. To give it up completely would be a step in giving up entirely.

Speaking of tired… I’m exhausted. I’m going to crawl into bed and be grateful that I’ve seen another day and that I’ve been blessed with a group of people who will help me get through this.

Born Under The Sign of Cancer

June 30, 2008

12:15 pm
Today is my birthday. I’m 28 and I was born under the astrological sign of Cancer. I always thought that it was a horrible sign under which to be born. Cancer. What a horrible word. What a horrible disease.

As you might know, my grandmother has breast cancer. It is now considered stage 4 and has spread to her bones. She has not given up the fight and I admire her bravery. My aunt has breast cancer. She is doing well and in the middle of her chemotherapy. Her prognosis is good.

Imagine how scared I was when a few weeks ago, I found a lump in my right breast. After an examination, a mammogram, and a biopsy… I have also been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I have been preliminarily diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer. I say preliminarily because that diagnosis is based upon the biopsy they did. I have not had surgery yet and I don’t know what my course of treatment is quite yet. It turns out that the cancer in my family comes from the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genes.

I have had the test done to determine if I have the BRCA genetic mutation and I’m waiting for the results. Those results will determine my treatment. If I do, I will most likely have a double mastectomy and a complete hysterectomy. If I do not, then I will probably opt to have a lumpectomy and either radiation, chemotherapy, or some combination of the two. As you can imagine, I’ve got a lot of decisions to make and not a lot of time in which to make them. I’m doing as much research as possible and doing a lot of praying. Even though I’m pretty angry about all of this, I still have faith that it’s happening for a reason. I’ve used this quote more times than I care to but as Mother Teresa said, “God doesn’t give us more then we can handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.”

Other than the lump, I don’t have any symptoms. I’m tired a lot, but I think that’s because I’ve not been able to sleep more than a few hours at a time since before I even knew anything was wrong. I’ve been trying to get more sleep since my diagnosis because I know I’m going to need all my energy to fight this fucking cancer.

My Mom was here when I was diagnosed and she spent the weekend with me. We talked quite a bit. . . or rather. . . I talked and she listened, offering her opinion or thoughts when she thought it was appropriate. The part that I’m having the hardest time with is superficial stuff I shouldn’t worry about. I worry about my own body image after this and how I’ll feel about not being able to have my own biological children if I should need to have a hysterectomy.

Tim has been more than supportive. I was supposed to be in North Carolina this week, but after my diagnosis it just wasn’t possible to go visit. I have appointments scheduled and right now, cancer is setting the schedule. That won’t stop us from spending time together, though. He is going to fly here before the surgery and stay with me for as long as I need him to stay. He’s already insisted that I make lists for him of things I want done around the house, my favorite foods, and anything else I can think of. He is determined to take care of me and spoil me. I’m definitely ok with this. Even his Mom is spoiling me, as I hear I have a package coming to cheer me up. I’m definitely blessed.

I have my first visit with the oncologist on Wednesday afternoon. I don’t know that I’ll have any more information at that time, but I will keep you all posted. My Mom set up a website for my friends and family to visit throughout the course of my treatment. Once I tweak it a little, I’ll share the link with all of you. Right now it’s kind of just a template.

Well, I’m going to go enjoy a lunch out with my Grandparents. I woke up to breakfast in bed and flowers from my niece. I’m going to enjoy the day. After all, it’s my birthday… even if it’s under the sign of Cancer.

I have cancer.

June 29, 2008 05:59 am When I was first diagnosed, I spent the first few hours being very angry and scared. I had a conversation with God, asking a lot of questions and letting Him know that I was not amused. I’ve been through a lot the last few years and it suddenly seemed like somebody, or something, had it out for me. If everything happens for a reason, what is the reason for all the things I’ve been through? If I’m supposed to be learning from this… what exactly am I going to learn? When you’re curled up in the fetal position on your bed, and you’re begging God to give you answers and get you through this, it suddenly becomes clear who you are. There is not a more honest moment than when you are pleading for your life. You can only be truthful and vulnerable. This is why I have decided to share this journey and battle with you. I’ve already devoted a portion of my life to ministry and helping others. For some reason, I have been called to this life and this path. And now… I have been called to share this experience with you. My life has been about finding my passion and my purpose. Right now, my passion and my purpose is to fight cancer. I will share as much as I can and I’ll do it in my time and with my own words. I will be as honest and graphic as I can so that you have some sort of an idea of what I’m going through. I warn you of this now because I don’t think it’s fair to sugar-coat cancer. I’m very scared. I’m scared not only to go through whatever I must face in the coming months… or years. I’m also afraid to share this with you. I’m a fairly private person and this… this experience and me writing about it… is forcing me to open up more than I’m used to. You’ll see exactly what goes through my mind and how I’m choosing to deal with things. I’m going to try to not focus on grammatical errors or sentence structure. Some of this might just end up being free-flowing thoughts on a page. Be prepared for me to swear a lot or to lean upon my faith to help me understand or cope with a situation. This is me… take it or leave it. I realize that there is a chance that complete strangers will read this, even though I prefer that not be the case. If you’ve come here because somebody has shared the link to my page with you, please drop me a line. I hate to admit it, but this will be my time to ask questions, be patient, ask for help, allow for whatever is meant to come my way, and to find a way to be grateful for this experience. I am letting go of everything and putting it into God’s hands. With love and gratitude to all of you in advance, Tara